Day In, Day Out
Marriage. Every little girl’s dream. The handsome man, the amazing romance, the white dress, and riding off into the sunset for a life of wedded bliss. It devastates me that for so many a life of wedded bliss is actually a very distant reality. If couples manage to avoid becoming yet another divorce statistic, so many then settle for an unhappy marriage which stays together for the kids, belief systems, companionship or out of fear.
Having been through a failed marriage, I can attest to the immense pain this process brings. So going into my second marriage I was determined to: first, do my very best to make a wise decision with who I married; and second, to work extremely hard on making sure we had a great marriage. From my experience and talking with other couples who are years ahead in this journey, I have found that the hard work starts from day one, and it is so important that it continues through EVERY season of life.
I believe God has given us marriage as a way of growing who we are as people, helping us achieve his purpose for our lives and to impact the world around us for good. Because of this, marriage often comes under attack. One of the key ways a marriage ends up in troubled waters is a lack of attention to the small things, the day in and day out routines we create in life.
During my soul searching after my first marriage ended, I recognised that I hadn’t been good at giving my husband affirmation. This is something I have come to understand as extremely important for a man. I regularly made a big deal of little things, criticized areas that needed growth and expected to see him change to meet my expectations. Working on my attitude is certainly an ongoing process, but this time my goal is to be my husband’s biggest cheerleader. For me this absolutely starts in my headspace.
So when I am doing the sixth load of washing in as many days, most of which my husband has made, I thank God that I have a husband to do laundry for. When I am alone in my car, especially on the way home from work, I often think through and thank God for all the things I love and appreciate about him. We also do our best to speak out the positive affirmations we think about each other (rather than just keeping them to ourselves) and regularly affirm our love out loud. I truly believe this change in my thought life has been so significant in creating a positive and loving environment in our home.
As a typical female, I love it when my husband is romantic. I would love for him to organise a surprise date night with extras for me every time we date. But while he is truly amazing, he is like most men where romance doesn’t come naturally in all areas. However, I have learnt that if I tell him my expectations, rather than hoping he figures them out or picks up on my hinting, he will make the effort. So if we have a special date night coming up, I will tell him in advance that I’d really like him to organise where we eat, and what we will do afterwards. Then (very important), I will do all I can to affirm, praise and thank him for his efforts. I have also figured out that you can still have a really romantic date night even if you plan it yourself.
None of us get married with the intention of creating an unhappy marriage (for ourselves or our partner), but I think one of the reasons this ends up being the reality for so many is due to an underestimation of just how much hard work a good marriage takes.
One of my love languages is quality time, so for me regular time spent with my husband is important. I also want to make sure that early on in our relationship we create a habit of spending quality time together, so this stays a priority through the changing seasons. Friends often say our schedule makes their heads spin, so for us, date nights need to be booked into the calendar well in advance, or they simply won’t happen. We try to have a proper date night at least every two weeks, and this has often meant we need to say no to other engagements. But I know that these special memories and times spent together are helping us build a strong foundation.
Creating time for each other amidst the busyness of life and all of its pressures – without other people present, the TV on, or work distractions – is certainly a big way of showing that you are important to each other. After attending the Alpha Marriage Course early in our first year of marriage, we started implementing regular, small catch-up times which we call ‘Couch Time’. For us, this looks like taking 10-20 minutes most nights after work to connect, even if we have a busy night ahead. In this time we snuggle up really close on the couch and talk about our days, plans and any other pressing issues or concerns. It’s intimate, fun, builds connection and keeps us up-to-date with each other’s lives.
I have believed and declared that we would not be a statistic of the difficult first two years of marriage; a high expectation for sure! While I certainly wouldn’t say that things have been easy, I think that because of our decision to work on the small things and our determination to follow through with that decision even when it’s hard, I can honestly say we loved our first year of marriage, and the second year has been even better!
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