Side By Side

1. Isolation is a weapon of the Devil

I say “especially when we are married” because once we have found a marriage partner, our best friend and closest confidant, it can feel like the need for external friendships reduces. Then, when difficulty comes along, we may find we have little support, positive influence, and encouragement.

Over the years I have observed a lot of Christian couples who start their marriage very much in love but as the relationship changes over time they find themselves in a broken marriage.  One of the key characteristics that I have noted in many of these couples is the lack of true community and deep, positive friendships around them.  

Either through choice or circumstance, they have isolated themselves so that no-one really knows how their marriage is going. This means they have no one to challenge them about areas of concern before they become, seemingly, too big to deal with.  

Being challenged by others isn’t fun, but it is necessary. And it is our responsibility to work hard on creating the environment and the opportunity for good people to speak into in our lives and help us see areas where growth is needed.  Our marriage depends on it!

2. Like-minded friends support and encourage you

Mike and I have officially been part of our “Wed & Fed” group since the second month of our marriage.  This is a group of four recently married Christian couples who came together through an intentional friend.  We meet every 6 weeks or so and enjoy an evening of yummy food, great company and generally some form of game.  Sometimes the conversation is light and chatty, and other times we get deep and meaningful.

For Mike & I, these other couples are family.  We have grown closer over the years and see them as a significant and vital support network that we are blessed to have.  Every one of them is working on their marriage and is on the side of our marriage. With these couples we can be honest about the hard stuff.  We also mutually support and encourage each other through the different challenges life brings.

If you don’t currently have a group of couples around you, why not try your local church and see if they have a number of people in your age or stage of life that you can build connection and community with.  A mid-week home group is an excellent way to start.

3. Wise counsel is necessary to keep your marriage healthy

When we got engaged Mike & I asked an awesome older couple in our life to be our marriage mentors.  This couple took us through our pre-marriage counselling, which was a great way to build relationship. Also, they aren’t related to us, which we have found helps to keep things neutral should family issues arise.  

We have chosen to be open and honest with them about the struggles we have.  And we also put significant weight in the advice and suggestions they give us.  Proverbs 4:7 says that we should seek out wisdom, at any cost.  So we continue to make the effort to build this relationship and humbly ask for their advice, to help us avoid small issues becoming big problems in the future.

4. Community is there in the good and bad.

Mike & I have worked hard in our good seasons of life to set up a great community around us.  It’s not easy and requires effort and sacrifice but, when challenges arise, the blessing our relationships bring certainly makes it all worthwhile.

Recently, we completed a cycle of IVF (you can read more about this in The Infertile Journey), and during this stressful and scary process we were honestly blown away by the love and support we experienced from the people in our world – a massive thank you to every one of you, you know who you are! We received flowers and gifts, many texts and phone calls of support and encouragement, prayers and sometimes just some much-needed distraction.

Although for many couples this experience is often deeply personal and private, we were genuinely surprised to discover just how large our inner circles of friendships actually were.  We wanted to tell people about our journey because we knew the outcome wasn’t a certainty and we knew we needed support should it not go as we hoped. The blessings that we have received from our openness has been more than we could have ever asked for.

5. Friendship is God’s design

Recently our church multiplied and we were part of the team that moved to the new campus.  It has been a great adventure, but a move away from regular connection with a large friendship group we had.  As a “people person”, I started to feel quite lonely and somewhat disconnected. This feeling was certainly uncomfortable and one that I didn’t want to carry on.  

So Mike & I began to pray.  We asked God for a couple who were similar in their age and stage of life to us, with common interests and a committed faith in God.  We were specific and, in a mind-blowing and special example of God’s faithfulness and care for the little details of our lives, He answered our prayers.  

At the same time as we started praying, a lovely English couple were planning the move to New Zealand and praying for friends. Soon after they arrived they felt called to our church and even moved into a house on our street. They have a number of similar interests to us and are genuinely lovely people.  I believe they were a special gift from Daddy God, at just the right season, all because He loves us.

God absolutely cares about your friendships and community too.   So, whether you are extroverted or introverted, I encourage you to seek out and find a positive, faith-filled community.  If it doesn’t come naturally, or you have no one obvious in your life, pray! God cares deeply about this and, if you listen to His guiding, He will bring about good relationship opportunities.